Lingerie
by somakeitcount
Summary: It's Bella's first day out of the house in a year, and she needs to go shopping. Who will she bump into? What chaos will ensue? One-shot. Rated M for themes, just to be safe.


A/N: Here is a fun one for you guys. One of my best friends and I wrote it out of sheer amusement. Mischief and chaos will ensue! Enjoy! :) At this point, I'm going to say that Bella and Edward are married, and Bella has turned into a vampire. However, for the sake of the story, Edward and Bella have only done the nasty once: after the wedding. LOOOOOVE.

Disclaimer: We do not own any portion of or ideas from Stephenie Meyer's books. We only wish we did.

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**Lingerie  
**

I walked through the busy mall, pushing past each of the people in the crowd. This was my first test of will, and they sent me into the busiest place they possibly could. A snort wriggles its way out of my mouth. After a year in Alaska, they sent me into one of the deepest circles of hell, just to see if I could stand it. Nothing says "I love you" like tempting you to massacre an entire mall. I grit my teeth against the decadent smells and sounds around me, willing myself not to seduce some teenage boy into some alley outside, only to tear his throat out for a snack. This was definitely harder than the Cullens made it seem. I could only imagine what kind of strength Carlisle would have, working around all those patients... I licked my dry lips, pressing forward. I was all too glad that I had eaten before I left.

This was like my day off from being babysat, and I had been given two hundred dollars to spend as I liked. After much thought, I reluctantly headed to the first lingerie store I saw to spend my money on new unmentionables. It was winter now, and so the Toronto weather was what I was used to anyways. We were staying at a hotel downtown, and I had already seen a bunch of stuff from my window. Apparently, if I did well here, we were all going to go out and see everything. Easier said than done. My mouth watered as I darted in and out of all of the people doing their Christmas shopping. This was not going to be an easy feat.

Finally, the store came into view, looming ahead of me in all of its florescent glory. I groaned inwardly, reminding myself that no one I knew was any where around me, anyway. This would be a quick trip, in and out, easy, no one gets hurt. Sucking in a breath, I began my trek into the store. I was surrounded by every type of bra, underwear, and lingerie I could possibly think of. There were things with lace, with silk, with gel, with mesh, with holes in places that there shouldn't be holes. I walked over to one of the bra racks, picking out a few in my size before moving over to the underwear tables. I held up a thong, cringing as I peered through the leopard print mesh. I was looking for something to amuse Edward with, but mesh was out of the question. Picking up a few pairs of underwear in various shapes and styles, I began to look around for some change rooms. They were in the back, as it seemed, and I made my way there, nudging girls of all ages out of the way.

As I was waiting in line, someone bumped into me, and some of the items in my hand dropped to the floor. I bent down, reaching to pick them up, when a second hand reached down at the same time. My eyes nearly bulged out of my head when I heard the one voice I did not want to hear in that store. "No. Way." A groan of disbelief escaped my lips as I looked up into the face of Emmett Cullen. Why here? Why now? Why?

A sudden flash of anger tore through my body, and a growl rumbled in my throat. I felt betrayed: they said they weren't going to send anyone to babysit me while I was out. "Emmett, are you following me?" My voice was strangled with the frustration I had felt. 'We trust you, Bella.' Pffft, yeah, my ass.

Emmett could do nothing but keep the huge, ridiculous grin (that I wanted to slap off of his face so hard that Rosalie would feel it) on his lips. He handed the things I had dropped to me, and for one moment, I thought I could possibly escape any comments he might make. "Here you go, Bella. You dropped your, uh..." he paused to examine the thong in his hand. "Seamless panties. Very fashionable. But I really don't think zebra is your print." His face went serious in the last few words, as if he were chastising a child.

If my cheeks could have turned red, I would have resembled a tomato. I began to think of all of the ways I could kill Emmett right there and now, favoring the most painful methods. Then again, I would have to lock the doors and kill all of the witnesses. It was looking like a smaller and smaller price to pay.

"And of course I'm not following you," he snorted. "I'm buying something nice for Rosalie." I cocked an eyebrow at him, and he held his hands up in defense. "I don't need any other excuse to be here; everyone knows Rosalie and I do the nasty on a regular basis. Besides, does a loving husband slash boyfriend need a reason to buy his wife slash girlfriend something lacy and-" I covered my ears, cutting him off. Things I did not want to hear. "And now that I think about it, although I can understand the bras there, I'm not quite understanding why you would want a pair of mesh underwear." A grin spread over his face again. I groaned inwardly. Craaaaaaaap. "Unless you and Edward are finally..." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and I smacked him in the face with the zebra panties. Were there no secrets in that house? I silently cursed the enhanced hearing we all possessed. It had betrayed me.

I had no idea what to do at that moment. I was in shock. Either way, Emmett would never, EVER leave it alone. His hand came to rest on my shoulder, and I looked up at the big, burly vampire before me. "But seriously, I've known Edward for a long time, and I don't think animal prints are really his thing. Now leather..." He grabbed my arm and started to drag me away from the change rooms and my eyes widened in shock and disbelief. Oh God. Oh please God no. Not lingerie shopping with Emmett. I began to think of all of the things I would endure in place of the torture to come. Anything but shopping with Emmett. ANYTHING.

Without warning, Emmett took the things I had in my arms and dropped them back on the appropriate tables. Immediately after this, he began to drag me to the doors of the store. I was even more panicked now. "Emmett, Emmett where are you taking me? I wanna stay here. Emmett are you listening? Emmett?" I smacked him in the arm, and he simply turned to grin.

"There's nothing interesting enough here, Bella. I'll bring you to the stores Rose and I shop at. Alice and Jasper shop there, too, when we're there." My stomach rolled as images of seedy sex and lingerie shops floated through my mind. This was going to be worse than a day at the mall by myself, because I was more than positive that Emmett was going to play this day for his own amusement. And his amusement seemed to have a pattern of being utterly sadistic.

He dragged me to the Jeep, picking me up, and tossed me in the passenger's side. I folded my arms, pouting as he came around the other side and took his seat behind the wheel. "Where are you taking me, Emmett?" I sighed, knowing that there was no way I could win against him now.

"We're going to New York. Have you ever been to Victoria's Secret? They have the most..." Emmett paused, a devious smile on his lips, and a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "Interesting intimates collection. Rosalie found this little outfit there -- and I do mean little -- with lace and mesh and garters and dear Lord..." His voice trailed off, and I rolled my eyes. Again, things I did not want to hear.

Most of the car ride went in silence, and before I knew it, we were at a mall somewhere in the United States, walking through the doors of Victoria's Secret. A small blonde woman greeted us at the door, her eyes widening slightly at the sight of Emmett. I pitied her. Emmett flashed her a brilliant smile, and it took her a moment to find her words. "Welcome to Victoria's Secret!"

I held up my hand, wanting to clarify something. "Just for the record, we're not together. He's my-" Emmett's hand flew over my mouth.

"Secret lover, actually. We're looking for something for a special night. Something sensual. Leather, lace, and mesh are preferable." He paused to flash another smile. "All three in one would be fantastic, if you could find it." The girl looked stunned, holding her hand out to direct us into the store. I walked forward first, rolling my eyes. Emmett's hand suddenly made contact with my backside, a slap that resounded through the store. I glared back at him, rubbing my sore bottom, and he winked before leaning back and admiring me. "Day-um. That's mine." The woman by the door still had a stunned smile on her face.

He caught up to me, and I muttered to him under his breath. "I am going to kill you with my bare hands when we get out of here."

"I'd like to see you try"

We walked through the store, Emmett picking things up casually. I threw a bra at him when I checked over my shoulder at one point. He had a tiny lace... I wasn't sure what to call it, in his hands, holding it up to his chest. My eyes widened, and he shrugged. "It's not for me." He put it down, not before looking in the mirror. "Does this make me look fat?" A sound of disgust rose from my throat, and he laughed.

I picked up a pair of lacy underwear, examining it. "This is nice," I commented, frowning when I found a flaw. "But there's a hole in the crotch for some reason... I need to find another pair." I started to look through the pile, looking for a pair in my size. They were really quite pretty. Emmett placed his hand on my shoulder, shaking his head.

"No, no, my sweet, naive Bella. That hole," he said, indicating to it. "Is supposed to be there. It has it's uses, and I can tell you that from experience. If you catch my drift." My eyes widened in horror as my hands shot up in the air as if I were under arrest. Too much information. Far too much.

"But...why?" I asked, my lips curling back.

Emmett shrugged, "It's like playing peek-a-boo in bed. One of my favourite games, if I do say so myself. Well, besides Professor and the Naughty School Girl -- Rosalie has the hottest..." My hand flew over his mouth to stop him. I did not need visuals to go along with the sounds I heard at night from time to time.

I cringed inwardly. This was going to be a very long day. "So, uh..." I played with my hands nervously, after dropping one from his mouth. "Do guys really like these things?"

Emmett gave me an admiring look of approval. "See this isn't so bad. Of course we do! Why would such a store exist otherwise? It's like a grown man's Chuck E. Cheeses! Play around here, buy the prize, play with the prize at home." He winked deviously.

I shook my head, "Well then guys are retarded."

Emmett put his arm around me, "No, no, Bella, it's just that men are very simple creatures." He grabbed my hand, "The trick is to show as much skin as possible whilst revealing nothing... To be sexy, not slutty." He paused to grin. "Although, I really don't have much of a problem with slutty from time to time." He winked, and my stomach rolled again. Men...

Emmett put his arm around me, dragging me toward one of the sales women. Oh God, as if I needed more "help" looking around. "Emmett," I growled warningly. "Emmett, if you embarrass me, I _will_ rip your arms off and I _will_ beat you with them." Still, he padded along, a cheerful smile on his face.

"That's nice, ducks," he said, patting me on the arm. I groaned as he dragged me along, trying to put a mildly happy look on my face. I failed miserably. "Excuse me, Miss," he said, flashing the woman a ridiculously debonaire smile. Her face flushed suddenly, and I struggled for a moment to regain my control; the sound of her heart hammering in her chest was agonizing. "Could you help my sweetheart and I find some outfits for her to spice things up in the bedroom? Something frilly and lacy, perhaps?" The woman could only nod, turning to lead us around the store. Emmett had a look of pure satisfaction on his face.

"Emmett, is it really fair for you to turn your super-seduction on the poor girl?" He merely grinned again, giving me a tug so I would follow the woman. This was going to end badly. Very badly.

Minutes later, I was standing in a change room, surrounded by revealing outfits. I was sitting on the chair in the small room, arms crossed. "I'm not coming out, Emmett."

"Oh for the love of mercy, Bella, pouting is not going to help anything. So open the damn door." His voice was stern, and my features contorted into a scowl.

"No."

"Bella," he whispered, his voice much too low and too fast for any human to pick up on his words. "If you don't come out, I'm going to buy you every single one of those outfits, and Alice and I are going to make you parade around the house in each and every one of them. So open the door. Now." I hissed under my breath, an angry, violent sound. Standing up, I unlatched the door, turning the handle to open it. It swung open, and as I came into Emmett's range of view, he emitted a low whistle of appreciation. "Very nice, Bella." His voice was husky, and he cleared his throat. I couldn't help but giggle, and I received a dirty look in return.

"Now that is something I think Edward would like. A little leather, a little lace, not too fancy, nothing strange. Rather classy, really." He nodded, smiling after he finished his statement. I moved back in my change room, looking at myself in the mirror. It wasn't really _that_ terrible, I supposed. The corset was wrapped tightly around my torso, and the push-up in the build-in bra definitely seemed to be doing the job it was built for. Dark purple ribbons criss-crossed over a section of black leather in the front, the rest of the material black silk, the colour of midnight. Thigh-high stockings were attached to garters on the bottom of the corset. My lacy black underwear completed the outfit, complete with no crotch holes. I was significantly pleased with the outfit, now that I thought about it.

Suddenly, like a ton of bricks, it hit me: I was standing in front of my brother-in-law, half naked. I closed the door faster than normal, hoping that no one noticed it. "Emmett, don't you find it... strange, to be seeing your brother's wife half-naked?" A low chuckle wove its was under the door, a melodic and lovely sound.

"A little strange, but if it's for Edward, then I'll live. Besides, I'm married, remember? Everything else is in innocence for me." I rolled my eyes. He was a typical male: always set to see a half-naked female with no strings attached. I could almost picture the wolfish grin on his face. Sighing, I began to change into a new outfit. What else could I really do, anyhow?

Over three hours later, we walked out of the store carrying several large bags. Emmett insisted that I bought everything I tried on, and that he was allowed to pay for it. "It was worth seeing the looks of humiliation on your face," he said, tossing the bags behind him as he settled into the driver's seat. My fist flew out, connecting with his jaw. A bone-jarring crunch resounded in the small space, resembling the sound of an avalanche. Still, he grinned. "Fiesty, huh? Edward always said he liked girls with some fight in them." I groaned, my head dropping heavily into my hands. Could I never win? Not once?

After ten minutes of brutal silence, I looked over at Emmett, peering out from between my fingers. "Are you dragging me anywhere else? Because I swear that if you drag me to some sex shop..." My voice trailed off, leaving the threat open.

Emmett shook his head, his mouth dropping open in mock shock. "Bella, how could you suggest such a thing? Would I really drag you to some sex shop?" My eyebrows cocked upward as his face softened. His eyes were still on the road, but they were twinking with mischief. "Besides, if I dragged you now, how would we spend our other shopping trips?" I groaned, my hands covering my face again, praying for the ride home to be quick. I was afraid he'd drag me to another shop without warning me first.

A few hours later, we pulled up to the front of the hotel. Alice bounded out of the doors, skidding to a graceful stop in front of us. "Did you have a good trip?" she asked, her eyes positively brimming with humor.

"Bite me, Alice. You saw it didn't you?" I pouted as I opened the doors to the back seat, pulling out one of many bags.

"About twenty minutes after you left. Just as Emmett was putting on his shoes. He's diabolical, really." My eyes widened, realizing something crucial. If Alice knew, then... A groan escaped my lips as I came to the conclusion that Edward would have been listening in to everything that Emmett had said. Alice broke my train of thought, tapping me on the shoulder. "Edward's waiting up stairs. He's been going bonkers since you left. We tried to distract him, but now Esme and Carlisle won't let us play charades any more because Edward and I kept winning." She pouted, her perfect face utterly heartbreaking. "I liked that game, you know."

I could not help but laugh, tossing Alice a few of the bags. She looked at me in shock, picking up more bags than someone her size should ever be able to carry. The bellhop just inside the doors looked like he was going to have a stroke when he saw the two of us walking in with an impossible amount of clothing-filled shopping bags in each hand. As we stood in the elevator, Alice put the bags down and began leafing through some of them. "What did you guys do, buy out the whole store?"

A snort escaped my lips as I rolled my eyes. "If Emmett had gotten his way, I'm sure we would have." I paused to glare at her. "And if you ever, EVER see that he's going to do that again, and you don't stop him, I'll beat the tar out of you both." Alice simply smiled, her pixie-like face radiantly happy.

"I'll go with you next time. Promise." In all honesty, I wasn't sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing. Before I could decide, the elevator doors slid open, and we collected the bags. Moments later, thanks to our unreal speed, we closed the door to the suite we were staying in. Edward was sitting in an armchair, chewing on his lips, trying to hold back his laughter. I rolled my eyes, throwing a lacy bra at him, and he burst out in raucous laughter. Alice wandered off, throwing me a playful smile as she went to look for Jasper.

I pointed my finger warningly at him, my face stern. "I swear, next time, it's going to be you. I'm going to have Alice go shopping with you and torture you." I stuck my tongue out at him, carrying the bags into my room. He followed me, closing the door behind him. Ignoring him, I threw the bags in the closet. He tossed the bra in his hands to me, and I threw it in a bag. A devious smile was on his lips, and I frowned. "You planned the whole thing, didn't you?"

"Maybe some of it. All of it." he admitted with a grin. Rolling my eyes, he took a seat on the bed. "So when do I get to see you modeling it?"

"Try this on for size. You're not getting any for a long time now. And all of those outfits are staying in the bags until you've apologized." He frowned, cocking his head to the side. He pouted slightly, batting his eyes.

"I'm sorry." He sounded and looked like a lost puppy. It was endearing, and it made my heart melt. Still, I held my ground.

"Nope."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

"Really?" It made me stagger backwards for a moment as Edward turned on his full seduction mode. He darted over to me, holding my hips in his hands. My throat went dry, and I swallowed hard. Edward's tawny eyes smoldered, proposing millions of things each second. His head dropped to my ear, nibbling at it gently. His voice was soft as velvet when it whispered in my ear, "I really am sorry, Bella..." I could feel my knees about to give out on me. Traitors.

I pulled back to look up at him, sighing. There was a mischievous twinkle in my eyes as I blinked. "Alright, maybe one." His eyes sparkled, a smirk climbing onto his lips as he leaned in. Our lips pressed together, sending shivers down my spine. Tongues danced aggressively and then softly, the tempo changing every other second. I pulled back, breathless, mentally leafing through the outfits in the closet. Maybe shopping with Emmett wasn't such a bad thing after all.


End file.
